The following is a transcription of a shiur (lecture) I was asked to give on Rosh Hashanna. I felt it would be relevant to re-post it here.
Our Rabbi already spoke about tzadaka (chairty) so I
thought I'd talk a little bit about teshuva (repentance), and tefilah (prayer).
Until recently I really had a hard time
understanding the connection between olam ha-bah, (the spiritual world), and olam
ha-zeh (the material world). I felt that G-d was very distant and abstract and
that tefilah and teshuva were matters of the spiritual world. Over the last
year I’ve learned that these things are actually extremely important in our
daily material lives. I think its very
easy, especially in the 21st century to be skeptical about the
importance of spiritual concepts. I’m going to try to discuss their importance
in this talk.
In Torah
there is a concept called “karet”. It is a state in which a person’s soul is
completely cut off from G-d. This sins which might cause this include,
desecration of Shabbat, eating chametz on Pesach or other violations of
kashrut. Our sages considered karet to
be a worse punishment than even death itself.
Alcoholics Anonymous proposed that
addicts are actually people who are particularly sensitive to the physical
manifestation of the pain caused by being disconnected from G-d. The person
abuses substances as an attempt to relive this pain
.
With this in mind is it really any
surprise that addiction is such a huge problem in our society where most people
are not just cut off from Yiddishkeit (Jewish culture) and Torah but from basic
spirituality. Also consider that addicts
are just the people who suffer the most, those are the most sensitive to being cut off G-d. How much pain and
unmanageability do all of us have in our own life from this disconnection?
I’ve come
to look at it in this way. Imagine living your life denying the force of
gravity has any power over your life. Imagine every day you go out in the world
and live your life as if you aren’t being constrained by gravity. Can you
imagine how much struggle and difficulty that would cause? It’s the same way
with G-d.
In the
last year I found myself in a dire personal situation. One in which I had come
to find that no human power could help me. Until then I had lived my life
completely according to self-will. I
never thought the idea that G-d answered prayers was realistic, to me it was
like viewing G-d as some kind of spiritual vending machine, but as many others
have done in my most desperate hour I asked G-d for help. Not even sure if I
believed, I asked anyway. In response G-d affected a very big change in my life
for which I am extremely thankful. It was also a huge shock because to me it
was the first evidence of G-d working in my life that was so big I could not
ignore. I would later learn to see the evidence of his work in other places I
had never noticed.
In
response to this I was forced to re-examine my all of my ideas about spiritual
matters. I felt out of respect and gratitude to the G-d who had done this
miracle in my life, I had an obligation to learn His ways. The first thing I
looked at was prayer. I always wondered why do we pray? If G-d is omnipotent
doesn’t he know what we want? Why are the prayers the same, doesn’t he know
what the siddur says? Why can’t we just say “Page 153, Amein, Page 154, Amein”.
Or “Ribono shel Olam (Master of the World), what I said yesterday, ditto for
today.”
To my
surprise the answer to my question was that Jews don’t pray! The verb in Hebrew for what we do is l’hitpallel, this
is commonly translated to English as “to pray”. When I looked deeper I found
that the verb “pray” actually comes from a latin word “to beg”, but that
l’hitpallel comes from a root meaning to judge or reflect. I also discovered
that l’hitpallel is a reflexive verb, which means it is something that we do to
ourselves. We cannot beg to ourselves,
we can also beg someone else.
I discovered a small commentary in
the
orthodox siddur (prayer book) that follows the
Amidah (prayers of supplication). It says “I pray that having
completed the
Amidah I have been changed in a positive way”. This was the key I
had missed
l’hitpallel is not begging G-d to change His mind. It is a tool to
change ourselves so that we become someone worthy of receiving a different
blessing.
I realized that when I asked G-d
for help, I wasn’t really asking for help, I was changing myself by recognizing
that G-d actually had the power to help me. Recognizing Him as the source of
all blessing and power changed me.
Through this lens I was able to
look at the tefilah in a completely new way. I decided to start my path of
teshuva simply. I began to look at the morning blessings. I realized how
incredible these simple prayers are and I began to say them every morning.
Before rising from bed we have
Modeh Ani, thanking G-d for a new day of life. I began to consider every
morning all those who were not fortunate enough to see this new day. I realized what an incredible blessing every
day of life is.
Next we have Natilat Ya’dayim (benediction for washing hands). It’s
such a blessing to have clean water for bathing. Think of the many millions
worldwide to whom just simply washing in clean water is a luxury. It also is
the blessing of G-d cleansing us spiritually.
Then there is Asher Yatzar (benediction for good health). It is
really awe inspiring to me to consider the incredible complexity of the human
body. Without this prayer it is easy for me to take for granted the fact that
if one tiny thing were wrong, a small blood clot, a single cell virus or
bacteria, I would not be able to stand here. What an incredible blessing from
G-d our health is!
The remaining Barachot (benedictions) for the
morning give me the opportunity to reflect and be grateful for all of these
things I had for so long overlooked. Pokeach Ivirim, the blessing of sight, but
also the ability to see the truth of G-d’s and his ways. The blessings of
having clothes to and shoes wear. The
blessing of not being a slave, both in a physical sense like our ancestors in Egypt but also the blessing of being free
from addictions and obsessions. Even the blessing of being bnei Yisrael (a child of Israel/A Jew), I have
such gratitude for it having G-d’s Torah to guide me in teshuva.
These simple blessings have
completely changed the way my day starts, I no longer think about work or
traffic or any other mundane aggravation. Instead I begin the day in complete
awe and gratitude for the incredible gifts G-d has given me that I had taken
for granted so long. I find that when I do this my mind and spirit become
centered and humbled and I start every day with joy.
This brought me to realize that
truly everything in my life has come from G-d. No less than Moses himself
warned us:
“Beware
lest you say in your heart, ‘My power and the might of my hand have gotten me
this wealth.’ You shall remember HASHEM your G-d, for it is he who gives you
power to get wealth”. (
Deuteronomy 8:17)
I realized that I hadn’t been looking at the things in
my life as blessings, and instead had taken them for granted.
I also realized if G-d was the
source of all mercy and the source of every blessing I perceived as good, then he
must also be the source of all things I perceived as bad. I began to realize
that so many of the hardships in my life really had been things pointing me to
the path of teshuva. All my life G-d had been knocking at my door, and each
time he knocked louder. I was so oblivious that he had to knock with a sledge
hammer before I finally realized it. I
learned that all things really serve G-ds purpose and our perspective is often
too limited to understand it.
A Chabad Lubavitch Rabbi explained it like this: If you
looked at one frame of a movie, from that limited perspective you could not tell
if the scene was happy or sad. G-d is able to see the entire film.
When I began to accept this I was
able to accept that things which seemed like hardships also came from G-d and
might actually be for the good. I was also able to let go of the idea that I
could control all of these things. Much like trying to fight against gravity,
when I stopped fighting G-d’s purpose and began making teshuvah, returning to His
path.
I stopped struggling in life, the
feelings of depression, frustration, and isolation that had haunted me for many
years dissipated and my days have become filled with joy. I never realized what
a profound impact even the smallest steps of teshuvah could have.
I sincerely hope that everyone may
find the joy and peace I have found through following in the path of Torah. Thank
you and L’shanna Tova.
Labels: Alcoholics Anonymous, Asher Yatzar, benedictions, birchot hashachar, brachot, Chabad, Chabad Lubavitch, G-d, gratitude, Modeh Ani, Natilat Ya'dayim, recovery, Rosh Hashanna, teshuva, Torah
